Notes from an inexperienced chili tester named Frank, who was visiting Texas:

Recently, I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili #1:- Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili Judge One: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. Judge Two: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Frank: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put out the flames. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy.

Chili #2:- Arthur's Afterburner Chili Judge One: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge Two: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Frank: Keep this out of the reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.

Chili #3:- Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili Judge One: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge Two: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. Frank: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

Chili #4:- Bubba's Black Magic Judge One: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge Two: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Frank: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.

Chili #5:- Linda's Legal Lip Remover Judge One: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge Two: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Frank: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili #6:- Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety Judge One: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. Judge Two: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Frank: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.

Chili #7:- Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili Judge One: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge Two: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress. Frank: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't even feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8:- Helen's Mount Saint Chili Judge One: A perfect ending; this is a nice blend chili; safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge Two: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Frank: (Editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report).